02 July 2012

moving away

This has been my first time living by myself. People say marriage shows a person how selfish he or she can be. I've never been married, but I completely agree. However, I think living alone can also show one's selfishness if he or she is trying to stay connected to Jesus - abiding, trusting, asking him to examine the heart.

I'm leaving Korea permanently in about three weeks. I have a huge pile of junk sitting in the middle of my floor, and I have no idea what to do about it. The pile contains things I haven't worn for a year or so. It has things I didn't even know were living in my apartment. It also has things that are useful for a certain season, like winter; not useful now with what, 100% humidity everyday? Aaah!

Saturday and Sunday nights were tearful events spent alone in my apartment - frustration, anxiety, discouragement, feeling overwhelmed. As I allowed God to pull up things in my heart I wished weren't there, I started to see how that pile on my floor was a lot like the things I was storing in my heart. Some things were useful, some needed to simply be let go of, and some were really ugly lies. A flood of tears spilled on my bed. Where did this all come from? I thought I had everything under control, but of course I didn't. God had everything in his hands, but I was taking my life off the alter of sacrifice, unknowingly and naively, and trying to direct my own life - another topic for another day.

So what do I take from all this? I can't say another tearful event like that will never happen again (oh, my humanity), but if a lie or a check in my spirit pops up, I want to deal with it immediately. There's no more shoving it in a corner or the back of my closet and dealing with it until I absolutely have to, like when I'm moving. This time, everything matters. Jesus is coming again, and what's going to save me from the wave of disillusion and deception? I'm living before His eyes, and nothing must come between His gaze and mine.

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