release, relief

Ninety days. 

Tomorrow will be my 90th day back in the U.S.A. It's been busy, bright, boring, and bleak, with all of these adjectives sometimes occurring at the same time. Over these last few months, I've been given new opportunities and responsibilities. The more I was given, the more I thanked God. But the busier I became, the more I relied on myself. Plans, relationships, daily things  -- I thought I had to be in control of it all. 

Tension strains my shoulders when I know I'm holding on to something too tightly. As I frantically grab on to things, fear tightens its hold on me. But today -- a mundane, cloudy Sunday -- there was breakthrough. "You have no reason to fear," my pastor said. "I'm not dealing with fear," or so I thought. 

As that thought lingered, the more I realized how tightly I was holding on to this life because of fear. I remembered the countless times my Father has graciously spoken that exact statement over my life these last 90 days. It is indeed true. I have no reason to fear nor any reason to hold on to my life. I am not my own.

"Happy holiness, joyful righteousness... is found in the laying down," ("This is True Life" by Justin Rizzo).

it's time

I'm currently at the airport in Korea, awaiting my flight to Laos. I'm so excited to travel, yet it's so tempting to look back at the last year and seven months and feel so, so sad that it's over. But I don't want to feel sad. I want to rejoice! God, you have been faithful! You have carried me through hard times. You have poured out mercy. Lord, you are beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

moving away

This has been my first time living by myself. People say marriage shows a person how selfish he or she can be. I've never been married, but I completely agree. However, I think living alone can also show one's selfishness if he or she is trying to stay connected to Jesus - abiding, trusting, asking him to examine the heart.

I'm leaving Korea permanently in about three weeks. I have a huge pile of junk sitting in the middle of my floor, and I have no idea what to do about it. The pile contains things I haven't worn for a year or so. It has things I didn't even know were living in my apartment. It also has things that are useful for a certain season, like winter; not useful now with what, 100% humidity everyday? Aaah!

Saturday and Sunday nights were tearful events spent alone in my apartment - frustration, anxiety, discouragement, feeling overwhelmed. As I allowed God to pull up things in my heart I wished weren't there, I started to see how that pile on my floor was a lot like the things I was storing in my heart. Some things were useful, some needed to simply be let go of, and some were really ugly lies. A flood of tears spilled on my bed. Where did this all come from? I thought I had everything under control, but of course I didn't. God had everything in his hands, but I was taking my life off the alter of sacrifice, unknowingly and naively, and trying to direct my own life - another topic for another day.

So what do I take from all this? I can't say another tearful event like that will never happen again (oh, my humanity), but if a lie or a check in my spirit pops up, I want to deal with it immediately. There's no more shoving it in a corner or the back of my closet and dealing with it until I absolutely have to, like when I'm moving. This time, everything matters. Jesus is coming again, and what's going to save me from the wave of disillusion and deception? I'm living before His eyes, and nothing must come between His gaze and mine.

sunday

work at home

work at school

God,
I have so much to do before leaving Korea. I've allowed these things to come before you. Jesus, it's all about you. Only "you satisfy my soul. All of my fountains are in you. Where else can I go? There is no life outside of you," (Elizabeth Bedford, IHOP prayer room).

thirty days

I'm always inspired by other bloggers' photos of simple things. I've been trying to take some iphone shots this week of my daily life.

Taking these photos helps me appreciate the small, simple things I do and see here. Soon it'll be a distant memory, but I know there's a lot to look forward to.

My good friend from China just came to visit. She was only here for a couple of days, but it was good and refreshing to see her for the first time in over two years. We met our very first week of freshman year in college and have been friends ever since. Today when we said goodbye, it dawned on me that I might never see her again. I may never be in Korea ever again, or even in Asia. I'm saddened by the thought and am unsure how to process it. It's easy to get overwhelmed by sadness and self pity, but I want to keep my focus on the fact that God is good. He has been unbelievably good during my time here and has shown himself faithful over and over.

I make promises to him and break them, but he's still there. I choose other lovers, or the pride of life, or something besides him to fill me and sustain me, but he's constant. He is gracious and slow to anger, but he is also a judge (another topic for another day). I can't express in words the deep, deep gratitude I have toward my Heavenly Father for keeping me steady in his hand this last year and six months. I've messed up so many times. I've done things I said I'd never do. Yet here I am in the end, thirty days to go, standing firm on the solid rock with confidence, joy, and thanksgiving. I hope I live the rest of my days before his eyes; it's only by his strength.

p.s. Follow me on instagram! My username is angloum. (Click here to see my instagrams online).

can't sleep

I'm too excited. I booked my flight to Laos today.

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Now that my time in Korea is coming to an end, I'm super blessed to have the financial capability and time to travel. It's a gift from the Lord, and I just want to saturate that time in prayer and thanksgiving and utter joy!

I finish my contract here in Korea soon and will trek around Indochina for a while. I can't believe I've just spent 18 months in Korea. I've learned so much about God and myself and respecting others. This has been one of the hardest times of my life. On several occasions, I defaulted to hopelessness, unwilling to admit my mistakes and was ready to pack up and go home. But God has continually shone through my doubt and depression with his faithfulness. It's been hard, but it's been so, so good.

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I can't get this song out of my head. It's a spontaneous song from the International House of Prayer about God as the restorer. If I could sum up my time in Korea in one song, this would be it.

Gentle Shepherd, I love the way you lead me. Loving Father, I love the way you lead me.

Laos

Yep, pretty sure I am going to this country in the near future. Some flights still need to be purchased and a couple details hammered out, but soon I'll be exploring this beautiful country which globalization hasn't completely consumed yet.

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I can't wait.